COUP FALLS — President Biden speaks earnestly of preserving democracy, and his approval ratings plummet. Donald Trump brags of being a dictator on day one, quotes Hitler, and surges in the polls. While it may seem fantastic and impossible that a large number of Americans want Trump as their dictator, a prominent conservative think-tank director says this is exactly the case. Otto Crossy, Director of the Foundation for the Advancement of American Societal Control, Insurrection and Sovereign Theocracy (F.A.A.S.C.I.S.T.) told Nut Newz that “America is sick of democracy and is ready for a change.”

When asked to provide support for this assertion, Crossy referred to trends among the American electorate, and F.A.A.S.C.I.S.T.-sponsored research. “We’ve been told over and over that millions Americans are extremely tired of having to elect a president every four years, and would prefer to just vote one more time for Trump and be finished with elections and campaigns forever,” said Crossy. “And people are telling us that freedom is overrated and actually a lot of work.” Crossy added, “It’s much easier to let an egomaniacal dictator take over.” Asked if F.A.A.S.C.I.S.T. had a message for the American voter, Crossy stated, “Don’t listen to the bleeding heart pansies who say this election will decide the fate of your freedoms and American Democracy. Just vote Trump and you’ll never have to vote again!”