In its latest move to unilaterally appropriate all government power, the Trump administration today announced the creation of a new executive department to be tasked with the control of all government revenue. Designated as the Department of Billionaires Against Government Services (D-BAGS), this new bureau of billionaire bunco will vest control of all government funds with a handpicked panel of obscenely rich advisors.

While newly appointed D-BAGS Chief Executive Elon Musk was busy practicing authoritarian hand gestures and unavailable for comment, NutNewz spoke to Larceny Liaison Rich Steal, about the purpose and goals of the new agency. “For far too long, the federal government has distributed enormous sums directly into public services such as health care, education, infrastructure, and Social Security,” Steal said. “Until now, America’s select future oligarchs have had no access to these public funds. While many uninformed voters supported President Trump over the price of eggs, his only priority has always been to fill the pockets of the filthy rich, including himself. D-BAGS will pay back President Trump and his billionaire benefactors by making sure that they have direct access to all federal funds, for their own use.”

When asked about the fate of critical public services under Trump, Musk and D-BAGS control, Steal explained, “The American public needs to adjust their expectations from its government. It is time for democracy to take a back seat to capitalism. The overriding goal of our new American government is to generate as much wealth as possible, and to funnel that wealth directly to the already filthy rich. The rest of America will just to need to get by on what trickles down from the privileged few.” So get ready to be trickled down on, America. The next four years are going to be very wet.