It started with DOGE. Under the guise of improving government efficiency, Donald Trump and Elon Musk seized access to critical government databases. Musk’s “engineers,” with no qualifications or security clearances and no legal or Constitutional authority, gained access to nuclear oversight information and huge swathes of the national treasury. Efforts are under way to gut the federal workforce and slash essential public services, including Social Security and Medicare. In the name of “government efficiency,” DOGE architects have positioned themselves to profit obscenely by looting the federal government.

Flush with the larcenous success of DOGE, Trump and Musk have now set their sights on pilfering the public as well. At a hastily scheduled press conference this afternoon, Trump officials announced the creation of the Department Of Public Efficiency (DOPE),  a temporary government organization with the stated purpose of improving the efficiency of public spending. Nut Newz spoke with Rob M. Blind, DOPE’s newly appointed Executive Embezzler, on the goals and purposes of this latest efficiency initiative.

Nut Newz: Mr. Blind, tell us how DOPE came about and what it hopes to achieve.

Blind: President Trump and Co-President Musk were astonished at how easily DOGE was able to gain full access to the entire federal treasury and a massive motherload of previously private information. We then asked ourselves, “If it is this easy to abscond with federal funds and private information, why not do the same for the public?” After all, what could be more efficient than concentrating as much wealth and influence as possible with a small group of utterly self serving oligarchs? As we did with DOGE, DOPE will give our specially appointed staff full access to all public funds and information. We have arranged for DOPE agents to enter individual bank accounts and even residences, at will with no accountability or permission whatsoever. Apparently under the guise of efficiency, we can get away with anything! So don’t be surprised if you wake up some morning and find that DOPE has drained your bank account and robbed your most precious possessions, all in the name of efficiency!

Nut Newz: Thank you for the information, Mr. Blind. Presidents Trump and Musk have hit on another winning scheme. Using the DOGE playbook, they will no doubt be able to again hoodwink the America public into believing that DOPE actually has anything to do with efficiency. Convincing people that the current administration cares about anything besides the pursuit of personal profit is the true essence of DOPE!