(Nut Newz Exclusive) Forget the bibles, guitars, gold sneakers, shiny coins, trading cards and the hundreds of other cheesy scams Presidential Peddler Donald Trump has perpetrated on America. At a news conference covered by Nut Newz yesterday, the Merchandiser in Chief announced his biggest, boldest bilk yet–he’s going to sell America itself! Nut Newz asked Trump’s sale coordinator, Executive Exploitation Officer Chic Canery, exactly what the rummage sale of the American Dream would involve.

Nut Newz: Mr. Canery, what exactly will be up for grabs in President Trump’s Sale of America?

Canery: President Trump has ordered that everything has to go, and nothing will be too big or too small for the autocratic auction block. Some items, such as nuclear secrets, public lands, critical defense intelligence and infrastructure contracts, will only be affordable to President Trump’s more affluent, influential customers such as Vladimir Putin, Elon Musk and other billionaire and corporate benefactors. And of course when the betrayal of Ukraine is finalized, we expect to have an unlimited supply of natural resources available to the highest bidder. Also, we expect the exploitation of Greenland to bring a huge windfall. But individual citizens will also be able to participate. For example, DOGE has amassed a huge inventory of Social Security numbers and other private information that will be much more affordable to anyone interested in some casual identity fraud, pilfering of bank accounts or phony credit card purchases. And that’s just the tip of the illicit iceberg! Once our unelected accessory Elon Musk has finished illegally dismantling the entire Federal Government and all of its functions are privatized, the profits will be beyond measure!

Nut Newz:That’s a very ambitious plan, Mr. Canery. Are you at all concerned that it’s all totally illegal and unconstitutional?

Canery: Not at all. The conservative majority of the Supreme Court is on board and ready for a piece of the action. We have it all figured out! The people wanted America to be run like a corporation, and now they’re going to get the business!