As Donald Trump’s presidential campaign continues to flounder under the weight of his ongoing cognitive collapse, Republican Party officials have resorted to an outlandishly desperate attempt to control their candidate’s aberrant behavior. Nut Newz has learned that republican operatives Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Elon Musk have combined their expertise in brain worms and brain chips to create a synthetic slug that will allow remote control of what remains of Trump’s deteriorating cerebrum. Designated Cyberworm, this bionic bug is designed to implant itself into Trump’s brain and establish remote mental manipulation.

Nut Newz spoke to an anonymous Trump team member about the effectiveness of Cyberworm thus far. After the recent debacle at Arlington National Cemetery,  Trump’s behavior appears to be growing even more outlandish, inappropriate and offensive. Does Cyberworm still have a few bugs that need worked out? “We’re having trouble establishing neural links when Trump’s brain has so few functioning neurons left,” said the anonymous source. “We are confident, however, that we will soon be able to remotely regulate Mr. Trump to focus on republican ideas and policies, such as Project 2025, rolling back women’s rights, pandering to billionaires and foreign dictators, and appointing new members to the Supreme Court.” After a thoughtful pause, the anonymous Trumper continued, “On second thought, maybe we’re better off with incoherent meltdowns rather than telling people what republicans are really planning for America.”