(Nut Newz exclusive) In the second stunning breach of operational security in a matter of days, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has again endangered America by sending highly classified military secrets to an outside, unsecured source. This time, Hegseth forwarded the entire United States nuclear defense database to the satirical political news website Nut Newz. Nut Newz spoke to Secretary Hegseth about this unprecedented breach:

Nut Newz: Secretary Hegseth, the Nut Newz editorial staff was shocked this morning to find a text from you containing what appeared to be nothing less than full access to the entire US nuclear defense database, including nuclear launch codes, war strategies, casualty estimates, and contingency response options. How can you explain sending the most classified information imaginable to a public website like Nut Newz?

Hegseth: That’s a delicate, tricky question. I could tell the truth, and just admit that I’m an utterly unqualified, politically appointed hack who doesn’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing or how to perform my job. And it certainly doesn’t help that I’m an arrogant, stupid drunk. What really happened was that I was trying to order some beer nuts online for myself and some friends and somehow instead accidentally sent a file to some other nut site. But since the policy of our administration is to never, ever, tell the truth, I’ll try and make up some outrageous lies instead. So, my story is that none of this ever happened, nothing I sent was actually classified, and that you people can’t be trusted and are obviously making this all up. Do you buy any of that?

Nut Newz: Does it matter? Mr. Secretary, do you think it’s hypocritical of you to completely dismiss two of the most egregious security breaches in American history, especially after your demands to fire and jail Secretary of State Hillary Clinton over her use of a private email server several years ago? After all, Mrs. Clinton only sent mundane information that was already public knowledge, while you have sent information that compromises national security and could lead to the deaths of America citizens.

Hegseth: What you don’t seem to understand is that she is a Democrat and I’m a Republican. Republicans have created a completely false double standard. Anything a Democrat does, no matter how innocent or well intentioned, is utterly horrible and anything a Republican does, no matter how mean spirited, incompetent, harmful or dangerous, is fine. So her harmless use of a private email server cost her the presidency while I get off scot free. Republicans must be held to a different standard. How else can we keep getting away with the outrageous shit we pull?

Nut Newz: Secretary Hegseth, thank you for speaking with us today. I suppose in some way there is a poetic irony to your sending nuclear secrets to Nut Newz. It’s very clear that you’re totally nuts!