Known for acts of terrorism against the LGBT+ community, Chaya Raichik was admitted to Hadamar Hospital this morning with a swollen throat and a high fever. After she tested negative for strep throat her symptoms worsened. Additional blood tests found traces of a similar but less common bacteria ligmacoccal pharyngitis.

“Typically a ligmacoccal infection only occurs after being exposed to fecal mater from a male elephant,” explained Dr. Mengele, “so unless we find that Ms. Raichik routinely eats elephant bullshit, we may never know how she was infected with ligma.”

As Raichik was transported to the morgue, she was heard saying, “I feel a lot better now. I’m good. Can I go home?” However, the doctor had already left to play golf with former President Trump and the coroner following protocol proceeded with his job.