Health officials at the CDC have declared an epidemic corresponding to ongoing election results. Researchers have determined the only explanation why someone would vote for Donald Trump in 2024, is due to viral infection. Symptoms of the MAGA-24 virus include dissociation from reality, rampant bigotry, and self destructive behavior. Autopsy results show evidence of brain…
After the Florida tourism website took down its LGBTQ-dedicated page, it was unclear why there is still a page featuring a man wearing high-heel boots. Upon further review, it appears that page is the “Letter from the Governor” featuring Ron DeSantis explaining the Loofa system for senior swingers. Outraged by the years of demeaning vitriol,…
Known for acts of terrorism against the LGBT+ community, Chaya Raichik was admitted to Hadamar Hospital this morning with a swollen throat and a high fever. After she tested negative for strep throat her symptoms worsened. Additional blood tests found traces of a similar but less common bacteria ligmacoccal pharyngitis. “Typically a ligmacoccal infection only…
Needing to find a way to energize his base, President Joe Biden made an executive order adding himself to the 2024 Lollapalooza lineup. “Secret Service just showed up to my house and told me that the President will be performing at the festival this year,” explained Lollapalooza founder Perry Farrell. Celebrating it’s 20th anniversary in…
Expecting an overwhelming wave of phone calls, the US Senate and House of Representatives have disconnected their phone lines accessible to the public. After the Supreme Court rolled back decades of precedent last week, Congressional offices were inundated with phone calls. Even more calls are were expected today regardless of the outcome for the ruling…
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gavels a For Sale sign into the Court’s lawn awaiting eager buyers With no semblance of impartiality in sight, the Supreme Court conservative majority has ruled the Court building as an asset that can now be sold by the Justices citing the landmark case “Finders v. Keepers.” Even the generosity…
McDonald’s turned away the former Celebrity Apprentice host due to their policy requiring footwear NEW ORLEANS – After spending the last few days lowering expectations for his upcoming debate with President Biden, convicted felon Donald Trump has starting showing signs of weariness. Those closest to him have expressed concerns regarding a new habit. “[Trump] said…
WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court will hear several highly anticipated cases, including several on insurrection immunity for convicted felon Donald Trump and his supporters. One of the cases alleges that the participants in the January 6th Capitol Riots were within their rights to freely express their Confederate identity. Supporters claim sedition it is their…
Convicted Felon Donald Trump laughs at his own joke on an empty debate stage ATLANTA — While the official date for the debate between President Joe Biden and Donald Trump is set for next Thursday, June 27th, the studio received an unexpected guest a week early. Mr. Trump, recently convicted of 34 felonies, took so…
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen gleefully steamrolling iconic Florida State University Westcott Fountain As President Biden announced an additional $7.7 billion in student loan forgiveness, Republican governors across the country fume over poor voters breaking free from crippling debt. This morning in Texas, Governor Greg Abbott personally locked the door to the financial aid office…
“Holy Shit! Let’s Make America Pray Again. Pray for my broke ass as we head into Good Friday and Easter, I beg you to buy a copy, or two, of the God Bless the USA Bible,” Trump wrote. Trump released a video on his Truth Social platform on Tuesday inciting his supporters to buy the…
