(Washington, D.C.) President Donald Trump, House Speaker Mike Johnson, and Attorney General Pam Bondi addressed members of the press this morning in the lounge of Qatar Force One, Trump’s newly renovated flying bribe palace. Nut Newz was there to report on what our perpetrator president and two of his most sickening suck-ups had to say.

Trump started the impromptu falsehood fest by stating, “First, let me congratulate and thank Attorney General Bondi for her open, honest, transparent testimony to the House Judiciary Committee earlier this week. Imagine the courage it took for her to so totally and completely disrespect, ignore, and dismiss multiple child rape victims aimlessly waiving their hands behind her. Instead, although constantly barraged by indecent inquiries about my history of sex trafficking and assault of underaged females, she courageously redirected the focus of the proceedings to truly important issues–namely, the stock market, imaginary presidential accomplishments, and petty insults to congress members. What’s the big deal if I and a fairly significant percentage of my current administration are implicated up to our necks in possibly the greatest and most heinous scandal of all time? Why the fuss about what a bunch of rich, politically influential child rapists did with a bunch of chronologically challenged girls? After all pedophiles will be pedophiles! But now that the coverup is complete, it’s time to move on! We are here to tell you about my next big initiative. As you all know, midterm elections are approaching, and it’s not looking good for the party of pedophile protectors. People just don’t appreciate having the economy destroyed and the cost of living exploded. Add to that murdering innocent citizens in the street, invading our own cities, rampant fraud and corruption, and a penchant for pedophilia in the highest places. I can’t imagine why my approval ratings are tanking faster than Melania’s movie! It’s gotten so bad we even had to put an end to polling! But with absolutely nothing of benefit to offer the American public, my focus and strategy for the midterms has shifted to implementing reforms to the voting process that will keep America red! Speaker Johnson, would you tell everyone about some of the exciting changes we have planned?”

“It is the position of the republican party that far too many people are voting, especially those of undesirable skin tones, socioeconomic origins, genders, and state residency.” Johnson explained. “With that in mind, my cult of lackey legislators in the House of Representatives have passed the Save America Act, to combat imaginary, rampant voter fraud. Never mind that there is very little documented evidence of actual voter fraud, no matter how hard President Trump has illegally tried to manufacture it, and that when it is discovered, it is almost always perpetrated by republicans. The fact remains that republicans need some excuse, no matter how false and unconstitutional, to disenfranchise undesirable voters. And by nationalizing elections, this legislation can be enforced exclusively to suppress voting in blue states, where it just so happens that ICE agents will be deployed to monitor election security. We’ve all seen how far these trigger happy terrorists go just to control traffic–imagine what they’ll do to people who try to vote democrat! Finally, even if the Save America Act does not get enacted into law, our stalwart suppressor president is ready with his executive action pen, to ensure that insurmountable obstacles block poll access to millions of passport challenged voters in blue states. Now a few words from Attorney General Bondi, on the final vehicle for voter suppression, being planned and rolled out by her ultra partisan, lawless group of fascist enforcers, formerly know as the Justice Department.”

“With every indication that a fair and free election would devastate the republican party, the Justice Department is ready to step in and do its part to dam the blue wave.” Bondi stated. “Even with the Save America Act and President Trump’s executive actions disenfranchising millions of blue state voters, it is also true that no presidency has ever achieved the Trump administration’s pinnacles of corruption, incompetence, or disregard for the Constitution. Considering the loathing and disgust America presently has for the republican party, there are concerns that an uncomfortable number of votes for democrats might slip through. But the Justice Department is ready to deal with any votes that democrats actually manage to cast. We have a staff of FBI agents with extensive experience in illegally redacting information that could be damaging to their despot dictator. They recently spent over a year redacting close to a million references to President Trump, from the Epstein files. With that level of expertise and experience in illegally altering critical documentation and covering up the most horrific crimes, how hard could it be to redact enough democrat vote ballots to ensure that President Trump and his cadre of corruption stays in power? What do the democrats want to do, anyway, bring down the whole system? Where will President Trump and his executive enablers end up if that happens? My team is fully trained and prepared to prevent any change in our current pedophile-powered regime. So leave it to the Justice Department radical redactors, to redact freedom, votes, the Constitution and democracy!”