White House Announces Youth Events at New Grand Ballroom; Ghislaine Maxell Appointed Social Director
(Washington, D.C.) Days after President Donald Trump disclosed plans to construct a $200 million ballroom adjacent to the East Wing of the White House, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt today revealed the inaugural event and other plans for the unveiled venue.…
Trump Sues the Entire World For Everything
(Nut Newz Exclusive) Scathing criticism of his failed attempts to cover up his involvement with deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein continues to inundate Donald Trump like a tsunami. True to form, rather than countering explosively damaging incriminations with facts and…
This Summer on the CRUD: Amy Coney Barrett as the UNREAL HOUSEWIFE OF THE SUPREME COURT
(Nut Newz exclusive;) Season one of Unreal Housewife of The Supreme Court was a wild ride for star Amy Coney Barrett. First, she lied her way through an ultra politicized, steamroller of a confirmation to our top tribunal. Then, the…
Nut Newz Unveils New Personal Advice Column, Let Hazel Help!
(Nut Newz Exclusive) Nut Newz is happy and excited to announce a new weekly feature personal advice column by renowed Relational Psychologist, Dr. Hazel Nuttles. Titled Let Hazel Help, this expert expose’ will shed light on the relationship travails of…
Trump Reminds Memorial Day Crowd at Arlington National Cemetery, “It’s All About Me!”
(Arlington, VA ) On a day normally dedicated to honoring veterans who gave their lives to protect America’s freedoms, President Donald Trump instead sent cringes through a Memorial Day crowd at Arlington National Cemetery with mindless blather about his favorite…
Trump Justice Department Deports Statue of Liberty to Notorious El Salvadorian Prison
(Tecoluca, El Salvador;) Days after declaring the due process protections of the Constitution null and void, Attorney General Pam Bondi wasted little time in exercising her new powers of persecution. Not satisfied with merely harassing, threatening and arresting Federal Judges…
Fascist Friends Seminars presents: “Bias From the Bench—Why the Constitution is UnConstitutional!”
(Nut Newz Advertisement:) The Supreme Court was created by the founding fathers to be above politics and independent from undue influence, to uphold the Constitution, administer justice, and guard our inalienable rights. But that was a long time ago, when…
Flush With Success of Project 2025, Heritage Foundation Sets Its Sights on Project 2026
(Nut Newz Exclusive:) As the Trump administration rolls out the most oppressive, racist, unconstitutional provisions of the Heritage Foundation’s vision of America, Project 2025, Nut Newz has learned that its authors are hard at work on a new, even more…
Defense Secretary Hegseth Commits Second Unprecedented Security Breach
(Nut Newz exclusive) In the second stunning breach of operational security in a matter of days, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has again endangered America by sending highly classified military secrets to an outside, unsecured source. This time, Hegseth forwarded the…
America For Sale: Trump Announces His Newest and Biggest Presidential Promotion
(Nut Newz Exclusive) Forget the bibles, guitars, gold sneakers, shiny coins, trading cards and the hundreds of other cheesy scams Presidential Peddler Donald Trump has perpetrated on America. At a news conference covered by Nut Newz yesterday, the Merchandiser in…
Trump and Musk Unleash New Public Efficiency Scam
It started with DOGE. Under the guise of improving government efficiency, Donald Trump and Elon Musk seized access to critical government databases. Musk’s “engineers,” with no qualifications or security clearances and no legal or Constitutional authority, gained access to nuclear…
New Executive Agency to Replace Government Services With Payoffs to Billionaire Benefactors
In its latest move to unilaterally appropriate all government power, the Trump administration today announced the creation of a new executive department to be tasked with the control of all government revenue. Designated as the Department of Billionaires Against Government…
Opinion: Anyone Who Opposes What Donald Trump Wants To Do To America Is My Friend
In the movie Alien vs. Predator, the human hero finds herself trapped underground with a vicious alien xenomorph queen and an extraplanetary predator hunter. As she wonders how to deal with the horrid alternatives, a dying colleague tells her that,…
CDC Declares MAGA-24 Epidemic Over 70 Million Cases Confirmed
Health officials at the CDC have declared an epidemic corresponding to ongoing election results. Researchers have determined the only explanation why someone would vote for Donald Trump in 2024, is due to viral infection. Symptoms of the MAGA-24 virus include…
Trump’s Latest Meltdown Was so Extreme He Actually Melted
It is no secret that the more Donald Trump’s mental faculties deteriorate, the more fantastical and unhinged his deranged rants become. In a recent harangue, the adjudicated and accused rapist and close associate of pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, assured the women…
Musk and Kennedy Jr. Collaborate to Design Cybernetic Brain Worm To Rein In Out of Control Trump
As Donald Trump’s presidential campaign continues to flounder under the weight of his ongoing cognitive collapse, Republican Party officials have resorted to an outlandishly desperate attempt to control their candidate’s aberrant behavior. Nut Newz has learned that republican operatives Robert…
Governor Ron DeSantis Quietly Removed from Florida by LGBTQ+ Community
After the Florida tourism website took down its LGBTQ-dedicated page, it was unclear why there is still a page featuring a man wearing high-heel boots. Upon further review, it appears that page is the “Letter from the Governor” featuring Ron…
Donald Trump Added as Keynote Speaker at Democratic National Convention
Officials for the upcoming Democratic National Convention have announced a surprising new keynote speaker—none other than former president Donald Trump! While Trump might seem like an unlikely speaker at an event showcasing prominent democratic lawmakers, Convention Chairperson Lotta Prattle told…
Trump Hires New Campaign Manager to Help Him Act Like an Even Bigger Asshole
Donald Trump and his new campaign manager, Proctologist Enos Prober.
Fascist Influencer Chaya Raichik of LibsOfTikTok Has Died of Ligma
Known for acts of terrorism against the LGBT+ community, Chaya Raichik was admitted to Hadamar Hospital this morning with a swollen throat and a high fever. After she tested negative for strep throat her symptoms worsened. Additional blood tests found…
Editorial: Trump Loses Control of the Monster He Created
Like a modern day Dr. Frankenstein, Donald Trump lost control of the monster he created, and it almost destroyed him. Rather than stitching body parts together, Trump assembled a vast repertoire of hateful, racist, aggressive rhetoric that inspired countless acts…
Biden Added to Lollapalooza 2024 Lineup
Needing to find a way to energize his base, President Joe Biden made an executive order adding himself to the 2024 Lollapalooza lineup. “Secret Service just showed up to my house and told me that the President will be performing…
Congress Disconnects Phones Ahead of SCOTUS Ruling on Trump Immunity
Expecting an overwhelming wave of phone calls, the US Senate and House of Representatives have disconnected their phone lines accessible to the public. After the Supreme Court rolled back decades of precedent last week, Congressional offices were inundated with phone…
Debate Academy Advocates Unique New Approach to Persuasiveness!
Are you a politician looking to debate more effectively, without worrying about pesky, meaningless facts, logic and reason? Then the B.L.A.H. (Bullshit, Lies and Hooey) Academy of Debate might be just what you’re looking for! Liela Blather, B.L.A.H.’s Director of…
The Supreme Court Building Listed For Sale As Conservative Court Faces Moral Bankruptcy
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gavels a For Sale sign into the Court’s lawn awaiting eager buyers With no semblance of impartiality in sight, the Supreme Court conservative majority has ruled the Court building as an asset that can now…
Trump Gets Cold Feet Ahead of Debate, Walks Barefoot on Scorched Earth
McDonald’s turned away the former Celebrity Apprentice host due to their policy requiring footwear NEW ORLEANS – After spending the last few days lowering expectations for his upcoming debate with President Biden, convicted felon Donald Trump has starting showing signs…
Supreme Court To Hear Case On Protections Of ‘Confederate’ Identity
WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court will hear several highly anticipated cases, including several on insurrection immunity for convicted felon Donald Trump and his supporters. One of the cases alleges that the participants in the January 6th Capitol Riots were within…
Trump shows up to debate Biden a week early, declares victory in empty room
Convicted Felon Donald Trump laughs at his own joke on an empty debate stage ATLANTA — While the official date for the debate between President Joe Biden and Donald Trump is set for next Thursday, June 27th, the studio received…
Wall Street Journal Says President Biden is Actually a Three Thousand Year Old Egyptian Mummy
Following its recent report that President Biden has been mentally slipping in closed door meetings, the Wall Street Journal has released an outlandish new claim. Journal Spokesperson Ima Fraud told Nut Newz that the Rupert Murdoch-owned publication has received reports…
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Endorses BenchBribe as a Fast, Efficient, Private Way to Receive Perks from Billionaire Influencers
Are you a Federal Judge who doesn’t mind tipping Constitutional construction towards the needs of your conservative billionaire friends, as long as they show their appreciation? Are you plagued by annoying news stories and alleged ethical violations? Do you need…
Spurred on by Post-Conviction Support, Trump Plans Campaign Crime Spree!
The Orange Outlaw Gang (Nut Newz Exclusive) Republican lawmakers howl in outrage and campaign donations soar after Donald Trump’s thirty-four count felony conviction. According to a senior Trump political consultant, who spoke to Nut Newz on the condition of anonymity,…
Coming This Fall, Don’t Miss a New Season of Justice Wife Swap!
Fans of judicial mayhem, hang onto your robes and get ready for another season of Justice Wife Swap! Coming this fall, the new season opens with a banging gavel, as two of our ultraconservative, ethically challenged adjudicators, “Billionaire Buddy” Clarence…
Is America Sick and Tired of Democracy?
COUP FALLS — President Biden speaks earnestly of preserving democracy, and his approval ratings plummet. Donald Trump brags of being a dictator on day one, quotes Hitler, and surges in the polls. While it may seem fantastic and impossible that…
As Biden cancels more student debt, Republican governors literally steamroll public institutions
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen gleefully steamrolling iconic Florida State University Westcott Fountain As President Biden announced an additional $7.7 billion in student loan forgiveness, Republican governors across the country fume over poor voters breaking free from crippling debt. This…
Most Americans Now Say Trump’s Presidency Was A Success!
FANTASYLAND, USA: In a new poll recently conducted by CNN (Conservative Nonsense Network), 55% of polled Americans now say they see Donald Trump’s presidency as a success. Some of the reasons given for the support of Trump’s presidency include his…
Russian Intelligence Officials Announce Breakthrough In War Against American Election Integrity
MOSCOW — Igor Trollstoy, head of the Russian Department of American Election Manipulation, today announced a major new breakthrough in Russia’s efforts to manipulate and undermine the upcoming 2024 American elections. Codenamed Robotroll, the robotic lie spreader will be a…
Millionaire Donald Trump is trying to sell ‘God Bless the USA’ Bibles for $69 as RNC and Russian funds dry up
“Holy Shit! Let’s Make America Pray Again. Pray for my broke ass as we head into Good Friday and Easter, I beg you to buy a copy, or two, of the God Bless the USA Bible,” Trump wrote. Trump released…