(Arlington, VA ) On a day normally dedicated to honoring veterans who gave their lives to protect America’s freedoms, President Donald Trump instead sent cringes through a Memorial Day crowd at Arlington National Cemetery with mindless blather about his favorite subject–himself.
Standing in front of the Tomb of the Unknowns, Trump took advantage of the solemn occasion to expound on his own perceived accomplishments and greatness. “Forget those soldiers. Look at me! I’m the best at everything I do! My corruption is the best ever! I just returned from a supposed diplomatic trip to the Middle East with a flying palace and billions of dollars of other bribes in my pocket. Who else could get off scott free after corruption like that? Also, my incompetence is the best. I’ve selected a Defense Secretary who sends war plans on social media, a Department of Government Efficiency that costs us billions, raised prices and trashed the stock market. Who else could screw up that much in such a short time?”
Trump also memorialized America’s fallen veterans by again criticizing his predecessor. “President Biden didn’t accomplish squat. Not one illegal deportation or pointless trade war. And look at his economy–nothing but strong jobs reports and a booming stock market. I’ve reversed all of that already. And I’m the best at lying and screwing over working Americans. After promising not to touch Medicaid or Medicare, the big beautiful spending bill my Congressional lapdogs just passed is about to cut off medical care for millions of Americans and explode the deficit with more tax breaks for my billionaire buddies. Even my dementia is the best! I can fall asleep at any time, ramble incoherently, repeat myself, and forget the most simple facts, without the mainstream media writing a word about my competence. I’m the freaking president, clearly unfit, but Jake Tapper writes books about Biden instead!”
At one point, Trump appeared to tire of bragging about his dubious accomplishments, and tried to introduce Defense Secretary Hegseth for some remarks. Unfortunately, happy hour had just started at the bar across the street, and Hegseth was nowhere to be found.
Trump finished his remarks by castigating the crowd for participating in the Memorial Day tribute. “You people shouldn’t be wasting your time here, remembering these veterans. As I’ve said many times, anyone who dies for their country is a sucker and a loser. You should be home buying crap from me, reading lies about Joe Biden, and preparing for my parade! I want it all, and I’m going to get it!”
