(ICE Headquarters, Washington, D.C.) ICE has been getting a lot of heat the past week, after an Immigration and Customs Enforcement Officer in Minnesota fatally shot an innocent, helpless Renee Good three times in the head, in an incident that should have and could have been handled by a local traffic cop. Since that utterly unauthorized, unnecessary, unjustified assassination, questions have rampantly arisen over ICE’s recruitment policies, training regimen, and ultimate role in American society. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem met with Nut Newz recently, in an attempt to defend the Immigration Enforcement Agency that she oversees.
Nut Newz: Secretary Noem, how can you, President Trump and countless other republican officials even try to justify the recent shooting of Renee Good, in Minnesota? Every video taken at the scene shows that she was simply trying to move her car out of traffic when she was savagely gunned down by one of your agents. Attempts to say that her shooting was self defense are ludicrous, as she was clearly turning her car away from the ICE agents involved, and there was never any danger to any of those agents, who were standing well to the side of her path.
Noem: While it might be true that the agents involved were never truly in any danger from the vehicle, the fact remains that Blue State residents who do not immediately welcome masked federal stormtroopers into their neighborhoods are always dangerous, and deserve what they get. And we all know that for years President Trump has had a perverted fantasy about shooting someone in the middle of the street….seeing one of his masked murderers gun down an innocent mother in the middle of her street might be as close as he gets to living that dream!
Nut Newz: What about allegations that ICE agents are not properly vetted before being hired? We have heard reports that no background checks are taking place and that many unstable, even criminal agents are being selected.
Noem: It is totally untrue that no background checks are being conducted. We take great pride in assuring that only the most qualified candidates get to wear the ICE mask. For instance, the agent who shot that soccer mom agitator had a previous experience in being dragged by a vehicle, and is known to be psychologically unstable. What better person to turn routine traffic control into an unprovoked slaughter? And look at the qualifications of some of our other recruits. Many are former Proud Boys who stormed our nation’s capitol under President Trump’s orders, during the January 6 insurrection. What better way to ensure that your recruits will be blindly loyal to a would be dictator, and have no concern for the Constitution or due process, than to scoop up candidates who attempted a violent overthrow of our democracy?
Nut Newz: What about allegations that ICE agents receive limited to no training before being turned loose to terrorize American citizens?
Noem: Ridiculous! Just look at our new state of the art shooting range over there, where our agents spend hours taking pot shots at civilian vehicle shaped targets. And I am personally working on designing other new cutting edge training programs. One such program calls for ICE agents to practice their shooting at dog parks and kennels in Blue States. If we can gun down innocent moms, shooting dogs is fair game too. And I can tell you from personal experience what a rush that is!
Nut Newz: Secretary Noem, in conclusion, tell us what role you and President Trump envision for ICE in the future.
Noem: Sure! Even though ICE agents technically have authority only in immigration matters, we have much greater things in mind. Certainly widespread harassing, arresting and deporting of people with improper skin tone or political views, or sending them without trial to nightmarish detainment centers, is critical. But President Trump also needs a blindly loyal group of masked, armed thugs to stomp out any form of opposition, at places like schools, hospitals, courthouses, community neighborhoods and other Blue State centers for domestic terrorism. If you live in a Blue State or city and are not completely loyal to President Trump’s fascist agenda, don’t be surprised if you get an unexpected knock on your door. ICE agents are already going door to door in Blue States looking to arrest anyone who isn’t totally kissing President Trump’s orange ass. And if you happen to be innocently driving somewhere in your car and an ICE agent grabs your door handle, whatever you do, don’t tell them you’re not mad at them. That’s a sure way to get yourself ICE’d!
