(Washington, D.C.) Donald Trump’s hunger to desecrate the historic integrity of our nation’s capital remains voracious. First, he had the White House rose garden paved into a concrete slab with all of the charm of an airport runway. Then he announced plans to have the historic East Wing of the White House swallowed up by a bloated dance hall. Most recently, he plastered the oval office with tacky, gold plated knick knacks that would make any thrift store or flea market proud. Apparently, these initial audacious onslaughts were just previews of the government sponsored gaudiness yet to come.
Addressing media outside the Washington Monument this morning, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced upcoming plans to renovate the grounds of the National Mall. “Good morning. I have invited you here today to tell you about President Trump’s latest plans to remake Washington, D.C. into his own tasteless, sleazy image. President Trump misses having his own golf course right outside his back door. With that in mind, we are proud to announce that, starting immediately, construction will commence on a project turning the Washington Monument and surrounding grounds into Donny’s Goofy Golf Course! Now President Trump will be able to golf his presidency away without having to spend so much time on his billion dollar free gift jet, for his daily commutes to Mar-a-Lago. Also, Donny’s Goofy Golf will generate significant income, as members of the public will be able to putt with the president, for only one million dollars per round. Just remember, President Trump always wins!”
Asked if any other changes to the National Mall were forthcoming, Secretary Leavitt continued. “Absolutely! President Trump is full of ideas! For instance, he has always been bothered by that giant statue of President Lincoln and the Lincoln Memorial. President Lincoln is vastly overrated! So he ended slavery, so what? As President Trump has recently pointed out, slavery wasn’t even that bad. And who was Lincoln to tell a group of rich white men they couldn’t oppress and own people, just because their skin was the wrong color? So President Trump is working on plans to remove the statue of Lincoln and replace it with a likeness of a much more deserving president, none other than Vladimir Putin! That’s right, the Lincoln Memorial will be soon be reimaged as the Putin Palisades! President Trump is still devastated by the way he was snubbed by his maniacal man crush at the Alaska summit……giving Vlad this monument on the National Mall could be a great way to get back in his good graces. And once the massive statue of Putin is finished, President Trump will be able to pretend to sit in Vlad’s lap whenever he wants! It’s a win-win!”
“And that isn’t the end of the planned repulsive revisions. For example, the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool is slated to become a much needed youth swimming facility. White House Social Director Ghislaine Maxwell will be planning weekly swim parties for teenage girls. And President Trump will be involved as well, having already volunteered to periodically pop into the girls’ dressing room, to make sure none of the girls have any problems changing clothes. Also, big changes are in store for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial! President Trump sees no reason to memorialize the Americans who gave their lives in that war. Why couldn’t they just have developed temporary bone spurs and stayed home, just like he did? After all, only suckers give their lives for their country. So we are going to remove the names of those killed in the Vietnam war, and replace them with the names of the brave patriots who fought for President Trump’s insurrection on January 6, 2021. They are the true heroes, and the president feels that just pardoning treasonous rioters isn’t nearly enough!”
Discussing the motives for these changes, Secretary Leavitt explained, “President Trump is still desperate to distract the American public from the Epstein scandal, which refuses to die down, no matter what outrageous stunts we pull. If redoing the White House and National Mall in President Trump’s image doesn’t do the trick, the next step is to rename the entire city! That will give people something else to talk about! How does Trumptown, D.C., sound? The D.C. could stand for “dictator controlled,” as soon as President Trump completes his needless deployment of federal troops.” Sounds good, Secretary Leavitt. And if “dictator controlled” doesn’t catch on, the D.C. in Trumptown, D.C. could always stand for “diddles children,” which would be far more appropriate.
