(Nut Newz Exclusive:) Last month, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth ordered our highest level military leaders to abandon their critical duties around the world and join a captive audience at Quantico Marine Base. There, the recently renamed Department of War’s supervising souse lectured Admirals and Generals about what he considered to be appropriate waistlines, hair styles, and bringing racism and toxic masculinity back to the military. Also in attendance was Blatherer In Chief Donald Trump, who regaled our purveyors of military might with his own unique brand of senseless senility.
Seeing a fellow questionably qualified cabinet member deliver the most embarrassing, asinine address of all time, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was not to be outdone. Determined to deliver an even more moronic monologue from an even more underqualified, deranged source, Kennedy, Jr. immediately ordered every doctor in the United States to attend a hastily convened conference at the Walter Reed Military Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. There, he lectured America’s finest medical minds with a unique litany of unfounded medical malarkey, including tales of his own personal brain worm infestation, Tylenol-triggered autism, and the benefits of eliminating vaccines and erasing hundreds of years of progress battling and controlling deadly diseases.
Asked if he felt his exercise in ignorance was worth dragging every doctor in America from their offices and leaving the entire country temporarily without medical care, Kennedy, Jr. explained, “Of course! Medical knowledge, training and doctors are vastly overrated. Look at me! I have no medical training whatsoever and absolutely no qualifications to tell anyone anything about medicine or illness. But here I am, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, spouting every bit of vaccine conspiracy quackery that pops into my deranged, worm-infested brain, and people actually have to listen to me! And even though I can’t point to a single word of legitimate medical research or evidence, I know that all those medications, surgeries and scientific techniques cause more trouble than they help, because my brain worm told me so! Anyway, pretty soon, nobody is going to be able to afford medicine or doctors. My political partners are in the process of eliminating any semblance of affordable medical treatment, so there will be more money to trickle up to their billionaire patrons. And President Trump and his pitiful political pawns are serious this time. They’ve even shut down the government rather than allow America affordable medical coverage. So people had better forget about vaccines and doctors, and get used to getting medical treatment through quackery like horse dewormer and bleach enemas, because that’s all they’ll be able to afford when the republicans are done with them.”
Secretary Kennedy, as a conspiracy spewing, vaccine hater with no medical knowledge or faith in science, by lecturing our doctors about medicine and dictating medical policy, you seem to have taken America to the highest possibly level of absurdity. How can anyone beat that? But Kennedy, Jr. remains only cautiously optimistic about remaining the most ridiculous, embarrassing figure in our government, pointing out that, “The capacity of our current administration for absurdity and stupidity is virtually limitless. We have a Homeland Security Chief whose only qualification is that she shot her dog. We have a Supreme Court Justice from a woman-subjugating cult deciding the Constitutional right to women’s bodily autonomy. And don’t get me started about the President! We drove our previous president out of an election for being a little slow finding words. But our current president rants nonstop, incoherent diatribes, invades his own cities, shuts down our government rather than provide healthcare to children, and flaunts a history of rape and pedophilia, with no consequences. I know I can hold my own as a dangerous, ignorant, hypocritical, delusional fool, but the competition is intense right now. I’ll have to stay on my toes and figure out even more insane ways to undermine America’s health, to stay on top!”
