(Washington, D.C.) Donald Trump’s hopes soared higher than Air Force One as he jetted to Alaska for the historic peace summit he had arranged with his fellow felon, Russian President Vladimir Putin. He had sworn that he would return with an agreement to end the slaughter in Ukraine. The meeting kicked off with great promise, as he clapped and fawned obsequiously on a red carpet over his communist crush. A mere three hours later, however, Trump stood before the world spurned and broken, his dreams dashed by his once admired mentor. At an exclusive interview with Nut Newz at the White House today, President Trump for the first time discussed what may have been his most humiliating diplomatic disaster.
Nut Newz: Mr. President, tell us what happened at the summit. It barely lasted three hours and appears to have ended with literally no specific accomplishments or agreements. By all accounts President Putin told you it was his way or the highway, and you submissively crawled away.
President Trump: First of all, let me say that although no agreement was reached at our meeting and the entire thing was a total waste of time and taxpayer money, great progress was made. I now have a much clearer understanding of Vlad’s demands for peace–simply give him everything he wants! Once I convey to Ukraine and the rest of the democratic world that all we need to end the war is complete capitulation, I’m sure everyone will fall into line. But I must say I had expected more from Vlad. He and I have been besties for over a decade. He’s done so much for me already, including handing me two stolen presidential elections, and keeping some compromising tapes of my past urinary indiscretions under wraps. So I had really hoped for him to come through this time……after all, this Jeffrey Epstein crap isn’t going away. You chum around with a convicted pedophile and child sex trafficker for a couple of decades, assault a few underage females, and people won’t let you hear the end of it! So I really needed a distraction to get my presidency back on track. Even though anyone with a few functioning brain cells knew Vlad had no intention whatsoever of making any actual concessions, he could have at least made a better show of pretending to listen to me for a few more hours. I was so sure that if I kissed his Russian rump and groveled at his feet enough, he would at least pretend to like me. After all, that always works on me.
Nut Newz: You announced to the world that if Putin did not agree to end hostilities, there would be “severe consequences.” What savage sanctions are in store for Russia, now that you and America have been utterly humiliated on the world stage?
President Trump: Even though I’m totally intimidated by Vlad’s powerful presence, I still have some harsh punishments in store for him, after the way he treated me. I offered him so much. I would have allowed him to loot Alaska’s and Ukraine’s natural resources, and keep the land he had already stolen during his unprovoked invasion. But he told me that wasn’t enough. He demanded that we hand him even more of Ukraine’s land. Next he’ll be asking for Alaska back, and more of Europe. He also said something about renaming America as the Russian Bitch States of America! I don’t mind betraying my country, but he’s getting greedy. But he’ll be sorry. I made this personalized picture frame as a token of our love, with my own tiny hands, to celebrate our beautiful, successful summit. Now I’m tearing it up. I am also going to talk to White House Social Director Ghislaine Maxwell about cancelling the private table we had planned to reserve for him at the new White House ballroom. No parties in the big beautiful ballroom or concrete rose garden for him. That’ll show him.
Nut Newz: Is that it? What about some sanctions with teeth, like additional economic sanctions, seizing Russian assets, and providing more aid for Ukraine to defend itself?
President Trump: Oh no, Vlad wouldn’t like that! If I don’t upset him too much, maybe he’ll take me back. He already said he might be willing to let me come to Moscow for another summit, so he can have his way with me again. He’s holding the cards. And anyway, I still love him. He’s the hateful, vindictive, arrogant dictator that I’ve always wanted to be. I just don’t know how to quit him! Where’s the scotch tape? I’m taping this picture back together–maybe he’ll still take it.
Nut Newz: Thank you Mr. President. Your second presidency is certainly off to an eventful start. Congratulations on the progress you made at your big, beautiful summit. Flying to Alaska to let President Putin humiliate you and America in person is a great first step towards peace!
