(Nut Newz Exclusive) Nut Newz is happy and excited to announce a new weekly feature personal advice column by renowed Relational Psychologist, Dr. Hazel Nuttles. Titled Let Hazel Help, this expert expose’ will shed light on the relationship travails of Dr. Nuttles’ exclusive clientele, and the intimate advice she offers as an expert counsellor. In the first article in the series, Dr. Nuttles chronicles her exchanges with a client designated “Butthurt Billionaire,” who is dealing with a highly public breakup with a powerful partner, and the continuing monumental fallout.
Dr. Hazel: To start, could you tell us a little about the relationship?
Butthurt Billionaire: I thought it was a match made in heaven. We had so much in common, including supreme greed and narcissism, a total lack of empathy for another living thing, and an ultimate disregard for truth or integrity. He may have had some resentment to my vastly superior wealth and been somewhat insecure about his declining mental faculties, but I thought if I pandered to his ego enough he’d be able to deal. When we set out to work together to steal a presidential election and destroy American democracy, I thought nothing could ever come between us.
Dr. Hazel: That sounds like a very strong foundation for a long term relationship. What went wrong?
Butthurt Billionaire: I gave him so much, including total support from a huge social networking application, and hundreds of millions of dollars in donations to a presidential campaign that, quite frankly, was not going well. How else could he have managed to convince voters that he had enough IQ points left to tie his shoes? And let’s just say I also used my vast technological knowledge and resources to afford some more insidious assistance. After all, those voting machines weren’t going to manipulate themselves. So after I single handedly handed him the presidency, I had every reason to expect some payback. All I asked for were a few tax breaks for my businesses and some illegal preferential treatment on some more bloated, unnecessary government contracts. But the big beautiful spending bill that his syncophantic servants in the House of Representatives voted for gave me nothing. While I admit that I lost my temper at first, I don’t think I really got that out of line. So I told everyone that he’s a pedophile and wouldn’t have won the election without fraud. What’s the big deal? Everyone knew that anyway. He’s no worse off than he ever was. And now that my stocks have tanked and my government contracts are being threatened, I’ve calmed down and deleted my disrespectful posts, but he doesn’t want to make up.
Dr. Hazel: Just a minute–are you saying you knew he was mentally and emotionally unfit, and also a pedophile and sexual abuser, but you handed him the presidency anyway?
Butthurt Billionaire: Of course. I also knew he was a thirty four-time convicted felon, and tried to overthrow the government. But priorities are priorities. How else was I going to get in on the ground floor of a scheme to steal a vast amount of incredibly private, sensitive information and use it to rob the government and the American public blind? But now my dreams are smashed–the great scheme is going on without me and I’m looking at being left in the gutter. What should I do?
Dr. Hazel: First of all let me say that I’m so disgusted to be speaking with you that I can barely keep from throwing up. But professional ethics prohibit me from spitting on you and leaving. So, here’s my advice, which I have no doubt whatsoever that you will not follow. Do the right thing! Admit that this person has no business being the president, and that you were totally wrong and unbelievably hypocritical in supporting him. Fess up to all of the illegal, immoral, unconstitutional actions you helped him take, and spend some of your money to undo the vast harm you have helped cause. But that’s not going to happen is it? Now that you’ve realized how much more money you stand to lose, you’re going to be back kissing the orange ass, right?
Butthurt Billionaire: Do the right thing? Undo harm? How is that going to make me more money and add to my already obscenely disgusting wealth? I don’t understand.
Dr. Hazel: I’m sure you don’t. But don’t worry, I’m sure the two of you will be thick as thieves again in no time. There’s no way two of the greediest sociopaths who ever lived can stay mad at each other while there’s more money to steal. Well, that’s all for today–we’re out of time. And as long as you and people like you continue to have positions of power in our government, America and democracy are running out of time too.
Make sure and come back to Nut Newz next week for the next edition of Let Hazel Help. Dr. Hazel talks to Petulant President, to get his side of the story, and to explore even more unbounded, infinite narcissism!
