In the movie Alien vs. Predator, the human hero finds herself trapped underground with a vicious alien xenomorph queen and an extraplanetary predator hunter. As she wonders how to deal with the horrid alternatives, a dying colleague tells her that, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” She realizes that, while the Predator is…
Health officials at the CDC have declared an epidemic corresponding to ongoing election results. Researchers have determined the only explanation why someone would vote for Donald Trump in 2024, is due to viral infection. Symptoms of the MAGA-24 virus include dissociation from reality, rampant bigotry, and self destructive behavior. Autopsy results show evidence of brain…
It is no secret that the more Donald Trump’s mental faculties deteriorate, the more fantastical and unhinged his deranged rants become. In a recent harangue, the adjudicated and accused rapist and close associate of pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, assured the women of America that if he becomes president again, he will be their benevolent protector, improving…
As Donald Trump’s presidential campaign continues to flounder under the weight of his ongoing cognitive collapse, Republican Party officials have resorted to an outlandishly desperate attempt to control their candidate’s aberrant behavior. Nut Newz has learned that republican operatives Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Elon Musk have combined their expertise in brain worms and brain…
After the Florida tourism website took down its LGBTQ-dedicated page, it was unclear why there is still a page featuring a man wearing high-heel boots. Upon further review, it appears that page is the “Letter from the Governor” featuring Ron DeSantis explaining the Loofa system for senior swingers. Outraged by the years of demeaning vitriol,…
Officials for the upcoming Democratic National Convention have announced a surprising new keynote speaker—none other than former president Donald Trump! While Trump might seem like an unlikely speaker at an event showcasing prominent democratic lawmakers, Convention Chairperson Lotta Prattle told Nut Newz that adding Trump as a speaker makes perfect sense. “Who has done more…
Donald Trump and his new campaign manager, Proctologist Enos Prober.
Known for acts of terrorism against the LGBT+ community, Chaya Raichik was admitted to Hadamar Hospital this morning with a swollen throat and a high fever. After she tested negative for strep throat her symptoms worsened. Additional blood tests found traces of a similar but less common bacteria ligmacoccal pharyngitis. “Typically a ligmacoccal infection only…
Like a modern day Dr. Frankenstein, Donald Trump lost control of the monster he created, and it almost destroyed him. Rather than stitching body parts together, Trump assembled a vast repertoire of hateful, racist, aggressive rhetoric that inspired countless acts and threats of violence, that he has done absolutely nothing to dispel, nationwide. This climate…
Needing to find a way to energize his base, President Joe Biden made an executive order adding himself to the 2024 Lollapalooza lineup. “Secret Service just showed up to my house and told me that the President will be performing at the festival this year,” explained Lollapalooza founder Perry Farrell. Celebrating it’s 20th anniversary in…
Expecting an overwhelming wave of phone calls, the US Senate and House of Representatives have disconnected their phone lines accessible to the public. After the Supreme Court rolled back decades of precedent last week, Congressional offices were inundated with phone calls. Even more calls are were expected today regardless of the outcome for the ruling…
Are you a politician looking to debate more effectively, without worrying about pesky, meaningless facts, logic and reason? Then the B.L.A.H. (Bullshit, Lies and Hooey) Academy of Debate might be just what you’re looking for! Liela Blather, B.L.A.H.’s Director of Gibberish and Bluster, explained why the B.L.A.H. approach works so well. “Traditional debate tactics focus…
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gavels a For Sale sign into the Court’s lawn awaiting eager buyers With no semblance of impartiality in sight, the Supreme Court conservative majority has ruled the Court building as an asset that can now be sold by the Justices citing the landmark case “Finders v. Keepers.” Even the generosity…
McDonald’s turned away the former Celebrity Apprentice host due to their policy requiring footwear NEW ORLEANS – After spending the last few days lowering expectations for his upcoming debate with President Biden, convicted felon Donald Trump has starting showing signs of weariness. Those closest to him have expressed concerns regarding a new habit. “[Trump] said…
WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court will hear several highly anticipated cases, including several on insurrection immunity for convicted felon Donald Trump and his supporters. One of the cases alleges that the participants in the January 6th Capitol Riots were within their rights to freely express their Confederate identity. Supporters claim sedition it is their…
Convicted Felon Donald Trump laughs at his own joke on an empty debate stage ATLANTA — While the official date for the debate between President Joe Biden and Donald Trump is set for next Thursday, June 27th, the studio received an unexpected guest a week early. Mr. Trump, recently convicted of 34 felonies, took so…
Following its recent report that President Biden has been mentally slipping in closed door meetings, the Wall Street Journal has released an outlandish new claim. Journal Spokesperson Ima Fraud told Nut Newz that the Rupert Murdoch-owned publication has received reports from highly regarded, nameless Republican sources, claiming that Biden is actually a reanimated Egyptian mummy!…
Are you a Federal Judge who doesn’t mind tipping Constitutional construction towards the needs of your conservative billionaire friends, as long as they show their appreciation? Are you plagued by annoying news stories and alleged ethical violations? Do you need a way to finance your High Court hijinks without all the public scrutiny? Then BenchBribe…
The Orange Outlaw Gang (Nut Newz Exclusive) Republican lawmakers howl in outrage and campaign donations soar after Donald Trump’s thirty-four count felony conviction. According to a senior Trump political consultant, who spoke to Nut Newz on the condition of anonymity, the Republican response to Trump’s latest legal setback has inspired a bold new campaign strategy….
